Making Decisions You Won’t Ever Regret I’ve never bothered to try to tally up the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, but like every other human, there have been plenty of them. I’ve noticed the decisions I regret all have a common thread running through them; they were all made from what I now see as fear. And any decision I make from fear will be a decision that sooner or later, I’ll come to regret. If you’re wondering about how to determine whether or not a decision is fear-based, it’s easy to tell.  Decisions made from fear feel like hell, because they tend to be driven by a life-and-death

What if it Were Less Work to Be You? How much work does it take to be you? There’s a good chance you’ve never stopped to reflect on that question, but that question may hold the key to an easier life, and a life of greater contentment. Does it make sense that just being you should feel like hard work? Doing takes work, but being? Being only seems to take a lot of work if you’re thinking about yourself. The instant you stop, it’s effortless. It’s an example of how you can’t really think about yourself and fully be yourself at the same time. In other words, thinking veils being

Paralyzed by Perfectionism What I didn’t realize during the long years I was a perfectionist is how much work I was doing just to feel safe, just to feel OK. It’s common for perfectionists to believe that they’re more capable in the driver’s seat than life is, and I had absolute belief in that delusion. But I was frustrated in my attempt to get more and more done. The demands I put on myself were never reasonable, so I was always disappointed with my results. It never occurred to me that it was my perfectionism that was the limiting factor in my ability to get things done. I was completely

Just What is Perfectionism? One day last week I was having lunch with an old friend I hadn’t seen for a while. As we were catching up, I was describing a new group course I’m launching called, Relaxed High Performance: Moving Beyond Perfectionism. As we talked, it became clear to me that we had completely different definitions of just what defines a perfectionist. My friend, who recently retired from a long and distinguished career as an architect, described himself as a perfectionist. This is a man whose career was consistently carried out with the highest possible standards. In other words, he made sure all the design and construction details were

Perfectionism has two accomplices. Without them, it can’t appear. The two are judgment, and resistance. When I judge something, several things happen. First, I’ve completely lost sight of the true nature of whatever I happen to be judging. That judgmental thought sets up a physical feeling of resistance. At that point, because I’m resisting that particular thing, or person, or circumstance, the thought occurs to me to change it, to “make it perfect.” I realize now that when I start judging and resisting, I’m both working against life, and I’m resisting life’s ability to work through me. When I don’t make a judgment, several different things happen. First, I have a

During the decades I was a practicing perfectionist, I could always find one more thing that had to be made perfect before I could relax and feel safe. So I kept doing that “one more thing.” Unfortunately, it was never the “right” one more thing that I believed would give me peace. Like most perfectionists, I was in it for the long haul. And like most perfectionists, I was convinced it was just a question of finding the right formula; if I could just find which details of my life I needed to control, then I could feel safe forever. It was a great deal of constant work, but it seemed like

Perfectionism is a Form of Blindness Life is full of wonderful surprises. You are full of wonderful surprises. Sometimes those surprises are beautifully obvious. At other times, they’re withheld from your view. When a surprise is obvious, it might be because you’re willing to take life, and the surprise it’s offering up, on life’s own terms. In other words, you haven’t inserted your own agenda; life’s agenda seems to make perfect sense. When a surprise is hidden from view, it could very easily be because you’re convinced that at any given moment, you have a better idea of what’s best for you at than life does. That’s a good, working

How Anger Fuels Stupidity I got royally pissed off yesterday. I don’t get mad very often, so when I do, it feels like a stranger has temporarily commandeered my body and mind. Have you ever seen an intelligent person become very stupid all of a sudden? It can happen to any of us the second we become enraged. Anger renders intelligence useless almost instantly. Very simply, you can’t be smart and angry at the same time. One of the real gifts of awareness is the ability to see a situation with some perspective and detachment. Anger robs you of that detachment, so it robs you of the ability to respond

Hard on Yourself Are you hard on yourself? A better question might be, are you aware of being hard on yourself? When I ask that question, it always surprises me to see the look in people’s eyes. The look I get back is often one of complete cluelessness. Most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others. More than that, we’re hard on ourselves without realizing we’re treating ourselves badly. This is how what’s intended to be introspection morphs into self-flagellation without our even noticing. Judgment is the unconscious link between introspection and self-flagellation. Is it even possible to look at ourselves without judging? Is it even